Tolerance, Intolerance and Me

Tolerance ..... Intolerance...a never ending debate. So what is tolerance?It is just the willingness to tolerate those opinions or behavior that one just does not like or agree with. Do I have a right to talk about tolerance and intolerance when I myself first am unable to tolerate a lot of things and can’t tolerate some in my own home and surroundings forget as far as the things happening in the country….and yes it does disturb me when things happen in the country but let me just share my thoughts.

There is a long personal list of likes and dislikes or as we call it tolerance and intolerance now….I can’t tolerate the attitude of the women who claim we Andherites can’t travel in a Virar local.  I made the cardinal sin of getting into one and standing near the door and at Dadar became the target of intolerance.  I was threatened that Andheri would not be by destination and she promised to take me to Virar.  I don’t know what part of me rose to the occasion but all I did was say “No problem at all, take me to Virar. I will come home with you have a cup of tea and take a train back”...and the laughter that filled the air defused the situation. Not only was I patted on the back but respectfully allowed to get off at my destination……small mercies….

I can't tolerate the sound of the pigeon on my window each morning (need an air gun badly)....I can't tolerate hypocrites and discrimination....people wasting their precious time and talent......grumblers....the double parking in my Lokhandwala Complex (but who cares...and yes I tried ..but rule says if driver in car - can't be towed)....and hey am I not tolerating the sometimes utterly stupid things people in my life do... wet blankets are wet blankets no matter what.....and I even have actors, films I like and dislike ...So if I say I don’t like an actor, I am allowed to say so na without being bashed or pulled up for it!  I have been waiting for that actor to stop spreading his arms out to the sky leaning over to one side or going hmmm mmmmmm while my intolerance screams out Sholay ka famous dialogue "yeh haath mujhe de de thakur".  Everyone has a tolerance level within then, and well that’s just how much I can take from him. This is just one simple immediate thing that upsets me and aggravates me so what can I say about things larger than life that are happening? Yes, I can't tolerate a lot of things happening in my neighborhood, my workplace and of course our country too...

Do we really live in a society that allows us to do what we want our way and express our opinions freely. There are norms and guidelines that need to be followed at home, workplace, etc. much to my like or dislike.  Take the simple example above about the actor and I can tell you that I lost many a friends on that one joking comment. There are so many voices out there vehemently expressing their views and saying how can you say such a thing when the whole world swears by his talent. But hey, it is just that one thing I can’t tolerate. Did I say I don’t like all of his work or that all of his films don’t work for me? Matter closed and here starts my pent up intolerance and given one little opportunity I become the first vocal voice in that intolerance movement.  That according to me is just what is happening around us.  People who are unable to express their views freely and made to shut up are the ones that look for opportunities to express when an opportunity appears. The burst of pent up emotions and thoughts then flow faster than the largest river of India.  

Issues that can change the face of the earth, our surroundings and are for our good definitely need to be supported. Movements that don’t allow me to eat what I want, wear what I want, speak the way I want (so long as it is sensible) are not to be tolerated because they are our fundamental rights. Aren’t they? Then it becomes my choice to live with it or protest. We are a democracy and in a country with so many different cultures and so many different languages that it is quite impossible for all of us to walk the same path.

What is this about “how dare you criticize the country that has given you so much?” So am I just supposed to take everything that makes me uncomfortable sitting down. Rather a silly thought because everything in life is based on an individual thought or a personal experience and that is something that matters a lot.  It has nothing to do with what others feel but just if this experience or thought matches the mob, then need I say more. I have a right to my view and it is up to the other to accept or disregard it. On the other hand, I am of the strong opinion that people in power; people whose words matter, people who are looked up to have to be extra careful with their words. Of course, they have the right to feel hurt and angry but somewhere along the line, I feel, that is way past for them, as they now shoulder the responsibility of being mentors, and idols to many and every word they say matters.

Changes and improvements are necessary. I can't tolerate a lot of things happening in our country too. I just heard that Delhi plans to allow cars to ply on roads based on their numbers - odd and even- and on particular days only. Is that the solution of traffic control? Good thought but what if I have an emergency, what if I am going to work daily by car. Please don’t say car pool, as no one’s working hours match with another and people don’t have time to wait for one another after all everyone has to get home to children, etc.  How is it going to help? The smart ones will find a way around it. Stupid me also will buy one car with odd and one with even number. Problem solved or increased? So now if this is enforced in my city will I accept it? Will I grumble? Will I be tolerant or intolerant? I need to think seriously about it.

Laughter is the best medicine- who ever said that!!

Laughter is the best medicine- who ever said that. Some might say that laughter is a medicine to hide a hurt, some will say it frees me from sadness, some say it is an exercise to keep happy. Some fake it at social events.

So let me think this through. No one feels like laughing when they lose their spouse or job, no one sees the humour when someone is shown the door or when a relationship fails or when life throws you a bad curve.  Then how can it be a medicine. Such a myth isn’t it? Think about it. When did you last feel like laughing at such misfortunes? If you did laugh then it lasts only for a small window of time till those thoughts come rushing back. Laughter is simply is a means of distracting oneself at that time, that moment and then back to square one….but then there is the flip side to this medicine.  I for one can laugh at anything even myself and that I learnt from my late mom. My Mom never failed to see humour in anything. Walking down to the market with her was a humorous day as she could find something to laugh at. Some might say laughing at someone else’s expense is bad- how rude, but we laugh because mom taught us to laugh at ourselves and to make others laugh. I remember that day when we, sisters and cousin brother were sitting at her 'death' prayers in the fire temple when a young boy came in to pray and our eyes watched this gawky boy as he walked around praying..... and then it happened. Instead of touching each foot of God's photo, he spreads his index and middle finger and places one each at the feet and we burst into laughter and my cousin says “if Mami had been here she would be killing it laughing”.

Laughter is good and happy memories that sometimes burst forth. It is free fun and probably the best way to be de-stress. It is totally contagious and you can never escape that smile.  Laughter will definitely not remove the pain but it will lighten the burden if you let it.  You can’t feel anxious, angry, or sad when you’re laughing because it’s coming from the heart and not forced. People swear by its positive health effects and there are laughter clubs today making it truly the best medicine and I agree that there is a great deal of positivity in that thought.  So while it’s clear that some events are truly sad and not occasions to break into laughter, there are on the other hand, indeed some that deserve a dose of laughter medicine. There will be loads of those who can’t see humour in what you see. Think of those times when you are watching a movie and people around you are laughing hysterically and you are thinking “what’s so funny about that”. And it’s not like you can’t enjoy a good laugh but at that moment it just revolts you. You know, I have faced that myself and analyzed that situation and have realised that most times I don’t laugh in a movie it is because I am not in a mood to or tired, or had a hard day and just not relaxed enough or genuinely just can’t appreciate the humour. It’s just “ME” in that moment.  After all, we are all different anyways and we all laugh at different things, for different reasons or at different situations, don’t we?  So don’t carry that overpowering feeling of sadness or too much of pretend happiness....... after all it your life. Laugh only because you want to, when you want to, however loud you want.  It reminds me of a song from Mary Poppins "I love to laugh" that goes :

I love to laugh

It's getting worse every year

The more I laugh, the more I fill with glee

And the more the glee

The more I'm a merrier me

.......It is plain and simple. Laughter is a medicine for you to use. It is your choice when and where to use it. 

Aging, Not Me!

Aging, Not Me!

“You don't stop laughing when you grow old, you grow old when you stop laughing.”
― George Bernard Shaw

Who wants to grow old? Someone told me "It's just a number!", and so once I crossed that threshold they call ‘senior citizen” I decided to protest. I began to hate the thought of being called old or senior.  After all for me, it had  always been “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind it doesn’t matter”. Even then, ageing is going to happen whether we like it or not. So is it not better to face it gracefully than fight it.  I decided to live life king size and do all the things I did not have time for during my working and family years, right from learning craft on-line and making gifts for friends, to acting, to voicing, to pestering my actor friends and going to watch shoots, joining a women’s forum and organising workshops. What’s more, I even pushed my  husband to join a singing group even if I regret having to hear him sing loudly at home without a care in the world!  You can too find that one thing that was pushed on the back burner during those years when you were busy raising your family.  I am going to share with you some thoughts that you would have heard a million times, but may not have really registered it into your daily life.

Where do I start? Maybe from the day our children turn adults or maybe from the day we retire or maybe when we become grandparents. That’s when the mind begins to think “hey I am over the hill” and then you begin to feel it too. It’s that time when you are no longer burdened by responsibilities and demanding careers and the children are raised  A lost feeling takes over and then you take that morning walk in the park and look at people your age and ask yourself are they looking older than you or are you looking older? That’s where we go wrong, because it’s that time when actually “time” is yours, to use the way you want. Time comes free for you to use and spend and by the way who was that who said time and tide waits for no man. It will stop for you, if you can learn to use and control it. You get the point don’t you? so why are you putting it off saying "when I get the time?" The time is now and here already.......and “time” is what you have plenty off so make that beginning.  So just get started and don’t waste precious time. Make that wish list of things you had in the back of the head since long and would like to do before you leave this world. It doesn't have to be anything drastic like jumping of a plane or climbing Mount Everest, but if you can do that, well then go for it !!!!! Try just those simple things that you wished you had done earlier. I made new friends and then more friends by the day and as the family of friends grew, so did the activities that I could participate in like workshops, outings and new hobbies.

Do the things you like and of course things that make you happy. You won't be able to do everything like you used to, neither can I, but when I started doing things I loved...... then nothing came in my way - not even my creaking bones.  The more you begin to find new things to do the more engaging your life will become. So simply just fight fatigue of that afternoon long nap which is so common for us just because we feel nothing is waiting. Play word games and recall exercises by yourself, like I do often. Say a word for example, ‘senior’ and then a next word with the last alphabet “r” and so on and you will find yourself enjoying your own company too. I love to check out car numbers and making a total of the numbers just to keep that ticker in the head active. I looked for  shapes in the clouds, observe people, look for objects during a walk and recalling them when back home. You could join a class and learn something new not because you need to make a career of it but  just for fun.  How about sharing that expertise of yours with others?  Ageing does not necessarily need to stop us from learning. After all as someone said “there is a lot of valuable gold from experience that comes with the silver in the hair!” Break the boring routines and the change will make life interesting...... because "if you really want to do something, you will find a way.  If you don't you will find an excuse"~Jim Rohn

Most important of all; you and your spouse need not have to do the same things or share the same interests. After all, no two human’s like the same things anyways. So let loose your spouse to follow his/her interests and encourage each other to do whatever interests him/her and watch the bonding and sharing multiply multi-folds.  I believe that there is still loads to learn and enjoy beyond the certainty of growing old, but it’s up to me how to use that time and manage the later years of my life with grace, dignity and fulfillment.......and because .......